| shrug. |
[26 Nov 2008|01:15am] |
For the first time in ages, I am listening to Dashboard Confessional like it's a drug I need. I can't really recall the last time I voluntarily subjected myself to big doses, but lately on bus trips and again tonight, it's what I want to hear, and I don't even care if it's the new stuff or the old stuff, but holy crap can I associate some of this stuff to ridiculous memories all the way back to the first time I listened to The Places You have Come to Fear the Most. What the fuck and what the hell?
I think my personal jesus is some karmic banker who's a cross between a sweet Hindu god and a Catholic priest, and he may be sending me nightmares as punishment for something. Does it sound like I'm using hard drugs? I'm just thinking too much about too little.
The whole freakin season is a trigger for memories of life in the Deep Freeze with Mary-Lynn, while things were good, when the problems were small and solveable, or at least the worst thing was me smashing a plate (my own plate). There were certainly times had, and I'm missing a lot of that life, and the very fact that I miss it is somewhat overwhelming. I'm never sure that I'm doing the right thing, no matter where I happen to go and do it. I'm not so sure that I can master success.
I googled Paul, just because I'd forgotten the name of his band and I never got to hear anything of them. I feel almost guilty enough to tell him, but that's just a desperate plea for a reply, and I'm tired of exchanges without much being said. LIE. I'm tired of him being able to mention his girlfriend (completely innocently, because every move he makes is guilt-free), and me not being able to mention that he takes up most of my brain and holds my heart in his hand in a way I had hoped to outgrow. Turns out this shit sticks with you. More fucking karma I guess.
What can I say about the snow, it's beautiful and wet and if the temperature holds, I can try to keep a smile in place. I need to drag my ass out of this house and go get a tattoo tomorrow. I need to do something.
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| i've always been an easy kill. |
[27 Sep 2008|01:00am] |
My grandmother invited me to Halifax for Xmas so I guess we aren't on the outs. This is a good sign, although it proves that no matter what I do, I can't get rid of my family. I bet if I have followed through on my teenage plan to emancipate myself, I still couldn't escape them. They love me that much. Why? I can't tell you.
I'm still so in love with Paul, and I blame The Office for rekindling the conversations between us and the daily reminders of how great he is all day long. He is everything I want. The end. Except it isnt' the end, even if it should be. Even thought I know it should be. How do I stop this? Why would I want to? Hours back and forth on Facebook and it still only feels like a beginning. What is it about him?
The first boy I ever loved is engaged to his girlfriend. Haha, another band camp friend from Nova Scotia ties the knot, and I don't remember the last person I "dated". *shudder* I'm happy to be single, what's the problem everyone else has with it? Seriously though, I know a lot of people in dangerously committed relationships, is this a class that I missed or some ship that's sailed? God, we're so young.
The luxurious side of living in Nepean, I'm five minutes from a grocery store that's open until midnight. Um, fuck yea! All I have to do is get my act together enough to put clothing on and I guess roll a joint for the journey. Shopping with the munchies, now that's a great idea! How much nicer to shop in the quiet though, I'm not sure why I'm so anti-social, but I am, and it's only magnified in grocery stores. Go figure.
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| home |
[24 Jul 2008|02:41pm] |
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I guess I've got to live somewhere
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| almost there! |
[21 Jul 2008|04:53pm] |
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Today is 22 in a row at work, and I am burning out, hardly sleeping, and getting bitchier by the moment. Apparently I've got people talking, and I'm not convinced that's a good thing. I was nervous about heading to Ottawa, but the kool thing I hadn't considered is that if I get my shit together and get out of here, I'll be gone, and that's awesome. I took the room that I was iffy on jsut because hey, it's a room, and I may only have to tough it out for two months (they want notice before I move out), and while I'm in Ottawa, I may find the perfect fit.
I've been spending time on the Algonquin website, trying to get a feel for what the course will be like, looking at electives (I have one, after semester 2), and it's hard to not get excited. I've got absolutely no idea where I'll end up in two years, but if all goes as planned, I will have a diploma and that's a couple of doors open. I'm already trying to figure out where I'll go after this (metaphorically) and I'm thinking I'll want an undergrad... but maybe I'll hold off a bit. Criminology, psychology, maybe even social work, they all appeal, and none of them really fit with who I am. But then I consider how I got into the Lib tech thing; I wanted to go back to Ottawa last fall, and school seemed like a good excuse + I had just read The Handmaid's Tale, and Offred's job from before she was a babymomma sounded rad. What the fuck, it's some sort of future.
Life, gotta keep livin.
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kaiinsnowland's journal
guilty